Got There Eventually

so i got a tumblr cos i wanted to be alternative like everyone else
hehehe see what i did there? oh yes i really am that witty all the time thanks for asking

oh right u might need the link:

http://oscillatewilde-ly.tumblr.com/

help me make it pretty ari

oh whoops i said the next post would be about joy division. oh well u can wait. im sure u dont care that much anyway

'Death for no reason is murder'

K so guess what?

seriously guess.

im kidding cos anyone who could actually be bothered to read this blog already knows that im COMING THE FUCK HOME

yeah i know i feel like i chickened out too and i feel super guilty and also really depressed - one because ive still got two whole weeks left which shouldnt feel like much in comparision to 4 months but i think thats what makes it more unbearable. and two because i feel like i was so sure engalnd was going to make me happy, it was going to be everything i ever wanted and that i was going to feel like i was home. and then it didnt. in fact it did the complete opposite. it made me miss home like crazy and i was sad and lonely (i dunno why i said was... its still like that) cos i dont know anyone here and im pretty much boy crazy (not in that way ..its hard to explian....male deficient?) cos im so sick of girls i would be perfectly happy if i never saw one in my life ever again ... apart from a select few who know who they are ... , and its also made me completely rethink everything ive ever decided was a sure thing. like now im freaked out about uni and whatever comes after cos whos to say im not going to look forward to something ridiculously like i did with engalnd, only to be crushed again by my own falling high hopes.
they fell right on my face ps. like a massive face palm but instead of a palm it was .. england.
so now i dont know what to think.

also everyday i feel like getting fired cos im going home anyway but then i wouldnt get paid

so everyone just has to promise me that when i finally do make it home ... if i dont die in the next two weeks. can u imagine if that happened? omg im getting really mad just thinking about it that would be so unfair id die...haha get it
anywaysss....
yeah u have to promise me that there will still be loads of awesome fun things to do when i get home cos u all seem to have so much fun and im missing out even now its so annoying. im worried ill get back and eveything will be different and ill be left out because u just wont even think to invite me cos u havent need to in ages or people will be like 'remember that time? oh yeah u werent there'. oh and also that ill try and slot back into everyones lives but u wont have time for me or ill try to be friends with the new people you all know and they be like 'um...just ..no'
im probably overreacting but i always find that the opposite of what i think will happen always happens so yeah ....
oh i confused myself
whatever im coming home and im never going to have to see these people again!!!!!!!

...

oh! hey ive come up with this theory right, that theres a smiths song for every day of your life. omg i cant believe it took me so long to discover morrisey, i already told ari that if i was in a cult he would be my leader. did u know that hes been a vegitarian since he was 11!

ok so u know actually im going to change to focus of this post to something i think i care even more about that the fact that i have to wait 2 weeks to come home:

Morrisey is a genius in my eyes; his songs are the most powerful thing ive ever listened to. its like someones climbed into ur head and ripped our ur own thoughts, threw them on a page and now sings them back to you in this tearjerkingly mournful voice that is so beautiful it almosts completely erases any feeling you ever felt about being alone.because you know ur not alone when there a song about how your feeling. can u even understand that? i dont think you can get it until uve listened to the smiths religiously for at least a week. sometimes its so amazing i could burst.

For instance here are some lyrics that have changed how i think about life, which i think is possibly the most powerful thing in the word, to actually effect someone to such a degree that they change their own thoughts. its mindboggling...

how soon is now? the first smiths song i ever heard, it used to be my parents 'song' in the 80s when they were actually cool. fuck off charmed that show ruined it now its got this supernatural tinge i dont like:

'theres a club if youd like to go,

you could meet somebody who really loves you,

so you go, and you stand on your own,

and you leave on your own,

and go home, and you cry,

and you want to die'

That joke isnt funny anymore, best ending/coda type thing ever u should listen, oh but this isnt it, and all his lyrics are filled with such melodious, unexpected rhymes, like at the end of this:

'when you laugh about people who feel so very lonely,

their only desire is to die,

well im afraid, it doesnt make me smile,

i wish i could laugh,

but that joke isnt funny anymore,

its too cose to home and its too near the bone,

its too close to home and its too near the bone,

more than youll ever learn'

Ask, for ages i though the chorus was 'if its not love then its the bond that will bring us together' until i saw the film clip where people are holding bombs and then i realised where id gone wrong. still doesnt make perfect sense to me but it is good for context and from a political point of view, anyway this part i always feel applies to me even though i dont consider myself shy:

'shyness is nice, and

shyness can stop you,

from doing all the things in life youd like to

so if theres something youd like to try,

if theres something youd like to try,

ask me i wont say no, how could i?'

and now the song for which this blog was named, which i chose becasue the titles so hope-inspiring and ive got a thing with lights, fairylights, the sun, the moon, streetlamps (which is always what i associate this song with... a perpetual streetlamp):

'and if a ten ton truck,

kills the both of us,

to die by your side,

well the pleasure, the privilege is mine'

SO PLEASE HUMOUR ME AND GO LISTEN TO MEAT IS MURDER, it doesnt have to be the whole album, but just that song. if i wasnt already a vegitarian this song would have converted me but it still changed my life i cant even explain.but if you dont feel even the slightest pang of guilt while you listen i might feel obligated to disown you beacause obiviously your a heartless bitch.
ive tried for a really long time not to get touchy about meat, like when people eat it and stuff but the truth is that it makes me boil inside. i wont say anyhing when ur eating it around me still but just so you know whats going on in my head. and from now on if people ever question me about it again im intent on giving them an earful because thats what they deserve for defending

MURDERERS.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRijP5lxP1w



hes just so amazing
if that link doesnt work look up 'morrisey on meat' on youtube.


lol on a last note some yr 7 little prissy thing just came up to me and pointed at my shirt (the smiths funnily enough) and goes 'is that greenday?' and i was like as fucking if! so i said 'no, theyre crap, this is the smiths!' and she goes 'greenday arent crap' (ok firstly if u liked them that much why would u even think the smiths look anything like them u idiot and secondly dont even use them in the same conversation thats disrespectful). oh but theres more ... she then goes 'well there better than the saturdays
nd the sugarbabes or whatever you probably listen to' ...
OMG i could have punched her i was nealrl yelling 'ok the sugarbabes?how dare u assume i listen to that shit (ok so i probs didnt say shit shes like 12) and who the hell even are the saturdays? you wouldnt even know the names of the bands i listen to thats how awesome they are' and she was like 'well...greendays still good'
fuck im so glad ill be rid of these people. i cant work here anymore, i assumed all of england would be musically cultured to my liking and open minded about any fashion choices but i always get funny look cos of what i wear, mostly from teachers, they probably think im not dressed appropriately just cos im not wearing a tucked in shirt and a pencil skirt.
eughhhhhhh



u know im thinking my next post might be somthing about joy division, not new order im not as much a fan, i think its great that they moved on after the death of the lead singer but i also think they lost the soul of the bad along with him, after ian the band was just drum fills, heavy bass and an electro type guitar .. but more on that later, yeah :)

IN HONOUR OF THE ARIANA GARCIA

hmm now that ive said that i dont know what to put cos you know when ur actually that good a friend with someone you dont need some lame personal joke or some comment about how good it is to be 18 finally or some crap like that cos u just dont ..... know what i mean?

well ari does anyway i can just tell cos i can read her thoughts

hey ari i called u sweetness cos it reminds me of a smiths song - bigmouth strikes again - lol hehehehe

Random awesomeness can be found in every day

cos i dont have my ususal resources to read this i think u have to click on it or some shit

but a friend just put it on facebook and it was fate that i saw it. it is either one of the most amazingly stupid things i ever laid my eyes on or it could just be the thing that changed my life today .......

cool :)

Negative Capability

John Keats' theory describing the capacity for accepting uncertainty and the unresolved.

'I had not a dispute but a disquisition with Dilke, on various subjects; several things dovetailed in my mind, & at once it struck what quality went to form a Man of Achievement especially in literature & which Shakespeare possessed so enormously - I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason'
Sunday, 21 December 1817

Ive always thought about it but i never knew it had a name. Trust that it was Keats :) just be dobtful, accept something as mysterious and dsont bother yourself with figuring it out. Theres no need, its just an unecessary stress.

ok so recently the only posts ive had time to ... well .. post...have been horrid depressing things which havent painted the appropriate picture of my time in england at all. Its more that just the sections of time ive had long enough to myself to write something have been spent thinking about everything im missing back home and everything thats crap here.

So im turning over a new leaf and taking my head out of the oven so to speak.

So we recently got in a spot of trouble, i wont go into details, but anyway we nearly all lost our jobs and the next set of loreto girls mightnt get a place here .... heh .... and jess wasnt involved of course. that full stop was supposed to be violent but that doesnt show up on screen...

but anyway it got me thinking about what we'd do if we got fired, we thought we'd rent an apartment and get jobs and then just come home after the summer holidays cos weve already all paid for those trips. but then we werent fired and i was dissappointed. but now that i know im definately not going anywhere anytime soon i have time to appreciate little things that make me happy.

For instance:
- the hour of sleep i get after breakfast duty and before post duty and how heavy i feel when i get up
- knowing that the yr sevens have bets as to whether ill wear my black beret or my zipper earring everyday
-looking up at my ceiling and seeing a million faces of people in bands staring down at me. and even though i dont know them all personally their music makes me happy
- remembering my dreams, like the other night i dreamt that i was working with my great grandfather in the chinese apothecary (weird cos im not asian) and i was sat outside with a basket for people walking by to put money in (weird cos im pretty sure thats not how the apothecary buisness works) and then this buff polish man (i think he was polish) came past and was spraying alcohol at the door way and then set it all on fire with his cigarette lighter.
usually i can kinda tell what my dreams mean vaguely but i am completely lost with this one. which in its self is kinda cool :)
- british vogue came yesterday and there was some illustration in it and i saw it and ari will remember i went 'thats what my job is going to be omg this person has my job'
so yay i know that the job is actually out there, for british vogue even!
- nme comes tomorrow! yay mail
- when i think about my future house i get happy. i think i want to namer it after a deerhunter song like 'vox celeste' or something or maybe a reference to a favoutrite poem
-'musing'. musing makes me happy
-the sounds of clocks ticking and pages turning, this used to make me apprehensive probably because of the hsc haha, but now it reminds me that time is passing, slowly, but still it passes.


i corrected my spelling :)

Agoraphobia

i feel gross and ugly and fat and uninspired.
I think the uninspired part is the worst.

i picked up a 20p coin today with the head facing upwards and im still waiting for the good luck to kick in.

And i threw up for the first time in years last night and now im too scared to eat anything but im so hungry.

And i had to move out of the single bedroom into the one i share with jess which i hate cos it smells funny but then i felt bad for feeling like that cos then she said to me that she was glad we were sharing a room again.
eugh.

Oh and everyones being a bitch with money, for fucks sake just remember how much stuff cost and remember how much you owe me and dont be cheap cos thats just childish.

The best thing that happened to me all week was when i went for a walk by myself to the park and sat on the swing for a while. well a toss up between that and watching scooby doo and peppa pig all morning with this little girl i babysit. i do love kids shows. like in the night garden, its friggen trippy and it has good music.

I know i shouldnt take this year for granted and im really trying not to but its so hard to enjoy it right now.

And I knows its really bad but all i want to do is go out everynight so i can forget the situation im in but i dont have the money or the time.

Im so mad at myself for not being able to appreciate all this, but im in a rut, i can see that now, i cant go back its too late for that, i made promises i have to keep, but at the same time im unable to move ahead because theres no upwards direction to go.

So i just have to stick it out pretty much, counting the days until my family visit at easter (thank fucking god), then counting the days until the summer holidays or maybe half term when i can go up to derby again, and then after thats all over ill only have a couple more months in england and then school will end and ill just have to figure out somewhere to crash until my flight home.

fuck im so pesimistic.

I just feel like i need some friggen friends, the closest thing i have right now is this guy called george who works in the kitchens but i wish i could read his thoughts,cos id like to be his friend he seems fun, but due to the poor general opinion of men i possess im guessing thats probably not all he wants.
Plus i wouldnt even know how to go about it all, im not going to go up to him and be like 'i think we should be friends, can i tag along next time you go out? pwwweeeaaaseee?'

Im pretty sure ive taken for granted how easy it used to be, you could call someone up and do something with them for the day, sometimes it wouldnt even cost any money.

But i dont have anyone to do that with here, i get to pick between rachel, jess and now sally. and aurore the french assistant i guess.
None of them are even british, no matter how much jess tries to be.

Omg im so sad. yay.

Seriously its sounding like a suicide note.

A year is just such a long time.
I better not die young otherwise im going to be so mad.

...

Anyway on an entirely differnet note i recently rediscovered the work of Ryan McGinley and i had one of those cool conection moments that ari and anyone who likes sigur ros will get:

But his stuff is amazing, artsisticly pronographic at times, but still awe-inspiring, like a deerhunter song or the feeling of wind rushing at you really fast in an open space

youd have to be blind not to be moved by most of his stuff. no offence to the blind :)