'Death for no reason is murder'

K so guess what?

seriously guess.

im kidding cos anyone who could actually be bothered to read this blog already knows that im COMING THE FUCK HOME

yeah i know i feel like i chickened out too and i feel super guilty and also really depressed - one because ive still got two whole weeks left which shouldnt feel like much in comparision to 4 months but i think thats what makes it more unbearable. and two because i feel like i was so sure engalnd was going to make me happy, it was going to be everything i ever wanted and that i was going to feel like i was home. and then it didnt. in fact it did the complete opposite. it made me miss home like crazy and i was sad and lonely (i dunno why i said was... its still like that) cos i dont know anyone here and im pretty much boy crazy (not in that way ..its hard to explian....male deficient?) cos im so sick of girls i would be perfectly happy if i never saw one in my life ever again ... apart from a select few who know who they are ... , and its also made me completely rethink everything ive ever decided was a sure thing. like now im freaked out about uni and whatever comes after cos whos to say im not going to look forward to something ridiculously like i did with engalnd, only to be crushed again by my own falling high hopes.
they fell right on my face ps. like a massive face palm but instead of a palm it was .. england.
so now i dont know what to think.

also everyday i feel like getting fired cos im going home anyway but then i wouldnt get paid

so everyone just has to promise me that when i finally do make it home ... if i dont die in the next two weeks. can u imagine if that happened? omg im getting really mad just thinking about it that would be so unfair id die...haha get it
anywaysss....
yeah u have to promise me that there will still be loads of awesome fun things to do when i get home cos u all seem to have so much fun and im missing out even now its so annoying. im worried ill get back and eveything will be different and ill be left out because u just wont even think to invite me cos u havent need to in ages or people will be like 'remember that time? oh yeah u werent there'. oh and also that ill try and slot back into everyones lives but u wont have time for me or ill try to be friends with the new people you all know and they be like 'um...just ..no'
im probably overreacting but i always find that the opposite of what i think will happen always happens so yeah ....
oh i confused myself
whatever im coming home and im never going to have to see these people again!!!!!!!

...

oh! hey ive come up with this theory right, that theres a smiths song for every day of your life. omg i cant believe it took me so long to discover morrisey, i already told ari that if i was in a cult he would be my leader. did u know that hes been a vegitarian since he was 11!

ok so u know actually im going to change to focus of this post to something i think i care even more about that the fact that i have to wait 2 weeks to come home:

Morrisey is a genius in my eyes; his songs are the most powerful thing ive ever listened to. its like someones climbed into ur head and ripped our ur own thoughts, threw them on a page and now sings them back to you in this tearjerkingly mournful voice that is so beautiful it almosts completely erases any feeling you ever felt about being alone.because you know ur not alone when there a song about how your feeling. can u even understand that? i dont think you can get it until uve listened to the smiths religiously for at least a week. sometimes its so amazing i could burst.

For instance here are some lyrics that have changed how i think about life, which i think is possibly the most powerful thing in the word, to actually effect someone to such a degree that they change their own thoughts. its mindboggling...

how soon is now? the first smiths song i ever heard, it used to be my parents 'song' in the 80s when they were actually cool. fuck off charmed that show ruined it now its got this supernatural tinge i dont like:

'theres a club if youd like to go,

you could meet somebody who really loves you,

so you go, and you stand on your own,

and you leave on your own,

and go home, and you cry,

and you want to die'

That joke isnt funny anymore, best ending/coda type thing ever u should listen, oh but this isnt it, and all his lyrics are filled with such melodious, unexpected rhymes, like at the end of this:

'when you laugh about people who feel so very lonely,

their only desire is to die,

well im afraid, it doesnt make me smile,

i wish i could laugh,

but that joke isnt funny anymore,

its too cose to home and its too near the bone,

its too close to home and its too near the bone,

more than youll ever learn'

Ask, for ages i though the chorus was 'if its not love then its the bond that will bring us together' until i saw the film clip where people are holding bombs and then i realised where id gone wrong. still doesnt make perfect sense to me but it is good for context and from a political point of view, anyway this part i always feel applies to me even though i dont consider myself shy:

'shyness is nice, and

shyness can stop you,

from doing all the things in life youd like to

so if theres something youd like to try,

if theres something youd like to try,

ask me i wont say no, how could i?'

and now the song for which this blog was named, which i chose becasue the titles so hope-inspiring and ive got a thing with lights, fairylights, the sun, the moon, streetlamps (which is always what i associate this song with... a perpetual streetlamp):

'and if a ten ton truck,

kills the both of us,

to die by your side,

well the pleasure, the privilege is mine'

SO PLEASE HUMOUR ME AND GO LISTEN TO MEAT IS MURDER, it doesnt have to be the whole album, but just that song. if i wasnt already a vegitarian this song would have converted me but it still changed my life i cant even explain.but if you dont feel even the slightest pang of guilt while you listen i might feel obligated to disown you beacause obiviously your a heartless bitch.
ive tried for a really long time not to get touchy about meat, like when people eat it and stuff but the truth is that it makes me boil inside. i wont say anyhing when ur eating it around me still but just so you know whats going on in my head. and from now on if people ever question me about it again im intent on giving them an earful because thats what they deserve for defending

MURDERERS.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRijP5lxP1w



hes just so amazing
if that link doesnt work look up 'morrisey on meat' on youtube.


lol on a last note some yr 7 little prissy thing just came up to me and pointed at my shirt (the smiths funnily enough) and goes 'is that greenday?' and i was like as fucking if! so i said 'no, theyre crap, this is the smiths!' and she goes 'greenday arent crap' (ok firstly if u liked them that much why would u even think the smiths look anything like them u idiot and secondly dont even use them in the same conversation thats disrespectful). oh but theres more ... she then goes 'well there better than the saturdays
nd the sugarbabes or whatever you probably listen to' ...
OMG i could have punched her i was nealrl yelling 'ok the sugarbabes?how dare u assume i listen to that shit (ok so i probs didnt say shit shes like 12) and who the hell even are the saturdays? you wouldnt even know the names of the bands i listen to thats how awesome they are' and she was like 'well...greendays still good'
fuck im so glad ill be rid of these people. i cant work here anymore, i assumed all of england would be musically cultured to my liking and open minded about any fashion choices but i always get funny look cos of what i wear, mostly from teachers, they probably think im not dressed appropriately just cos im not wearing a tucked in shirt and a pencil skirt.
eughhhhhhh



u know im thinking my next post might be somthing about joy division, not new order im not as much a fan, i think its great that they moved on after the death of the lead singer but i also think they lost the soul of the bad along with him, after ian the band was just drum fills, heavy bass and an electro type guitar .. but more on that later, yeah :)