Agoraphobia

i feel gross and ugly and fat and uninspired.
I think the uninspired part is the worst.

i picked up a 20p coin today with the head facing upwards and im still waiting for the good luck to kick in.

And i threw up for the first time in years last night and now im too scared to eat anything but im so hungry.

And i had to move out of the single bedroom into the one i share with jess which i hate cos it smells funny but then i felt bad for feeling like that cos then she said to me that she was glad we were sharing a room again.
eugh.

Oh and everyones being a bitch with money, for fucks sake just remember how much stuff cost and remember how much you owe me and dont be cheap cos thats just childish.

The best thing that happened to me all week was when i went for a walk by myself to the park and sat on the swing for a while. well a toss up between that and watching scooby doo and peppa pig all morning with this little girl i babysit. i do love kids shows. like in the night garden, its friggen trippy and it has good music.

I know i shouldnt take this year for granted and im really trying not to but its so hard to enjoy it right now.

And I knows its really bad but all i want to do is go out everynight so i can forget the situation im in but i dont have the money or the time.

Im so mad at myself for not being able to appreciate all this, but im in a rut, i can see that now, i cant go back its too late for that, i made promises i have to keep, but at the same time im unable to move ahead because theres no upwards direction to go.

So i just have to stick it out pretty much, counting the days until my family visit at easter (thank fucking god), then counting the days until the summer holidays or maybe half term when i can go up to derby again, and then after thats all over ill only have a couple more months in england and then school will end and ill just have to figure out somewhere to crash until my flight home.

fuck im so pesimistic.

I just feel like i need some friggen friends, the closest thing i have right now is this guy called george who works in the kitchens but i wish i could read his thoughts,cos id like to be his friend he seems fun, but due to the poor general opinion of men i possess im guessing thats probably not all he wants.
Plus i wouldnt even know how to go about it all, im not going to go up to him and be like 'i think we should be friends, can i tag along next time you go out? pwwweeeaaaseee?'

Im pretty sure ive taken for granted how easy it used to be, you could call someone up and do something with them for the day, sometimes it wouldnt even cost any money.

But i dont have anyone to do that with here, i get to pick between rachel, jess and now sally. and aurore the french assistant i guess.
None of them are even british, no matter how much jess tries to be.

Omg im so sad. yay.

Seriously its sounding like a suicide note.

A year is just such a long time.
I better not die young otherwise im going to be so mad.

...

Anyway on an entirely differnet note i recently rediscovered the work of Ryan McGinley and i had one of those cool conection moments that ari and anyone who likes sigur ros will get:

But his stuff is amazing, artsisticly pronographic at times, but still awe-inspiring, like a deerhunter song or the feeling of wind rushing at you really fast in an open space

youd have to be blind not to be moved by most of his stuff. no offence to the blind :)